Category Archives: Dogs

I feel oddly comforted. In that I’m comforted and you’re odd…

I am a card carrying animal lover person.  However, I am not of the PETA variety.  I think calves are very cute.  I also think they look like they’ll be tasty when they grow up.  I will go out of my way not to hurt an animal, going so far as to near wreck trying to avoid squishing a squirrel.  *Confession:  I care more about hosing the squirrel off my tires than I do the well being of the squirrel.  Anyway, my point is, I don’t want to hurt an animal. But, (and you knew there was one) my neighbor is doing his absolute best to make me change my perspective on that.

My neighbor has a big heart, that probably smells like cat pee.  He runs a home for wayward felines on his porch.  On any given day you’ll see probably 3-10 kittehs around his house.

We had the following conversation the other day:

Me:  Dude, you’ve got another litter of kittens over there.

Him:  I know!  Did you know that they mated with their momma?  (he was genuinely surprised that cats practiced incest)

So, my landscaping is now a massive litter box.  My dogs think it is a buffet.  Every trip outside is a battle of strength and wills to keep them out of the shit box vending machine that my rose bush has turned into. It makes me angry.  I yell at my dogs.  My other neighbors probably think I’m a crazy bitch. That makes me mad at those f’ng cats!  It makes me want to electrify my mulch.  It makes me a cat hater. I don’t want to be a cat hater.

Insert Clever Posting Title Here

Just a few updates on goings on in my life, because I know that my adoring fan base is dying to know.

In the educational front, I have been accepted to grad school and I am starting classes this Summer. I am working on a Masters of Professional Studies, with a focus on Strategic Leadership. This sounds like a whole lot of bull shit to me. A great deal of higher education is bull shit. However, those clever bastards made it that way on purpose! If you can figure out how to navigate it all, you’re half way there. Besides, if the process were too easy then everyone would have a college degree.

On the wedding front, I am just about finished with planning. I have hired some excellent caterers and outstanding entertainment. I am sure a fun time will be had by all.

In the home news category, we have added a new family member.

Spicy
Spicy McHaggis (AKA Snorts McGee)

His  hobbies include:

  • Snotting up my glasses
  • Sticking his head in my cleavage
  • Irritating the Cocker Spaniel

Thou puking scurvy-valiant minnow!

Some thoughts and/or observations, as the case may be:

  • I see these adds that say “lose 50 pounds for free!” and I have to ask, since when did it actually cost anything to lose weight? Are there satellites watching me on the scales that will send me a bill if lose a pound or two?
  • Every time I see a full garbage bag lying on the side of the road, I wonder if there is an arm or torso, or perhaps even a foot in there.
  • The same black dog that will jump in the shower with me will make a brave and valiant effort to climb out of the tub while she is getting a bath.
  • The previously mentioned dog has still not reached her destination on the ass-lick train and still mainly travels by night.
  • The dancing gorilla ad still has not convinced me to refinance my house.
  • The “find your crush”, “don’t click here if you are easily scared”, and the “find your future job” ads on facebook still have not convinced me to give them my cell phone number. Does anyone actually fall for that??
  • You really can’t go back.  Luckily, going forward is so much nicer ;)
  • Music doesn’t always have to mean anything. Not all lyrics are meaningful, but for heaven’s sake, if all you have to do is curse at me I’m going to click the SEEK button on the radio (or change the Sirius channel).

Yeah, he blows. He blows like one of those factory fans in a music video.

Some observations:

  • Antique store frequently means “junk store”.
  • Just because it is considered art, does not mean that I can’t find the same thing at the Dollar Tree for way cheaper.
  • My enjoyment of certain kinds of wine is proportionate to the amount of it I have consumed.
  • Darby Conley is a freaking genius.
  • Musicals are the way life should be (and incidently the way it actually is in the frightening confines of my brain).
  • Elfie has apparently booked a round trip ticket to Timbuktu on the ass lick train and she has decided to travel exclusively at night.

I only call you lucky charm because you’re useless and cheap

A list of useful information (as designated by me):

  • If you can see the black cocker spaniel’s butt, she’s not finished
  • If that same cocker spaniel leaves your sight, follow her
  • Eat lunch off-site on bring your offspring to work day (thanks Sara)
  • As long as you get the appointment, it does not matter that the hair dresser calls you Becky
  • If you are going to attempt to punch your way out of the cat flap, be extra careful you don’t get your paw stuck.

 

Through the looking glass and out of the closet….

Small Door, Medium Dog
Small Door, Medium Dog

I recently relocated to Greeneville, Tennessee to live with my boyfriend.  He installed a cat door to bridge the garage and the house, since we put the cat food and litter box in the garage.  It took one of the cats (Fred) 3 days to dare to attempt the door, and that was only with someone holding it open for her. Piper, on the other hand, took almost a week to muster up the courage to poke his head through. As you can see, it took the cocker spaniel about 10 seconds to try to get through the door. Unfortunately for her, she does not fit through the door. Thus, the litter box cafe is now offically closed.