Category Archives: Burning Questions

Did you take British in school?

In preparation for when I’m old and feeble, I’m buttering up the one person who will be young enough to drive me around–my niece.  For the past couple of months we’ve had one evening a month where I take her out for dinner and ice cream.  Sometimes we do a little shopping.  On the last visit, we went to TJ Maxx because I was in search of a new tea pot.  My current one is just not cutting it.  I was lucky to find the perfect tea pot and I start speaking in my best (horrid) British accent and my niece says, “Your British accent is so good! Did you take British in school?”

 

Yes, Olivia, I did take British in school.

They say you can drown in two inches of water. I am that two inches.

More in the category of “WTF?”

The “in loving memory of….” stickers on the back windows of cars.  Is this a southern thing?  A northeast Tennessee thing?  Every time I see that, it makes me thing they bought the car with the life insurance.  Well, unless the car was a total POS, then I wonder how I’d feel about a 1985 Buick Skylark in my loving memory.

Also, I don’t get the reasoning behind putting little memorials up on the roadside, presumably where someone actually expired.  I wonder how many accidents have been caused by people trying to read the teeny tiny print on them.  Hell, people at least make it big enough that I can see it in a drive by. I bet you some psychology grad student out there has done a paper on both of these phenomena.

Oh, and my biggest WTF moment recently goes out to the State of Virgina and their vaginal ultrasound law.  If the state of VA wants to see my vajayjay, they got to at least take me to the steak house first.

 

You know what else would be oddly comforting? A pillow shaped like a hammer.

Further musings from the I just don’t get it category…..

Little Ceasar’s Pizza

OK, first of all, is it a punishment to hold the $5 pizza sign?  I mean, is that like reserved for the one who is late that day or what? I understand you cannot give that job to a total slacker as it lacks direct supervision. But, it has to be a punishment, right?

Two of all, is there some market research behind the whole $5 pizza signage? I can promise you I’ve never been driving in evening traffic, saw the sign and thought “holy shit! $5 pizza!” I imagine, if you’re in the market for a $5 pizza you already know where to find Little Caesar’s.

Can someone enlighten me on this one?

Adventures in Innuendo, or perhaps Euphemisms

The mind wanders sometimes, as it often does when I am waiting for someone, something, some red light or driving down the interstate. So, the other day my mind wonders into the subject boobs.  Yes, boobs, breasts, ta tas, and all of the other euphemisms for them.  It makes me wonder where did some of these phrases come from? I think some of them are obvious–knockers, jugs, melons.  But what about hooters? How did breasts get equated with owls? Or does this refer to the noises men make because of them? And there there are the one that are not even words, but are somehow widely recognized–bazoombas and bazonkers.   Since breast cancer seems to get more publicity than all the others combined, you see t-shirts with cute phrases like “save the ta tas.”  Everyone wants a clever name for their Relay for Life team.

There is one phrase that I particularly like, fun bags. Yeah, I get why they are called that but there is something just a little bit more offensive in that one than in the others.

What is the best replacement for breasts that you’ve heard?

Oh, and while I do not like the phrase, the video is pretty funny.

Homey, a garter snake with osteoporosis has more hip than you.

More burning questions:

  • To the Advertising Industry – -why do you think that saying that something was developed by “a mom” should entice me to purchase it?  First of all, probably at least 60% of the female population over the age of 35 is a mom.  So, that really has nothing to do with the merits of your product.  Further, not all moms are great, smart, or chemists for that matter.  Two words for you — Mommie Dearest.
  • To the Candy/Gum Industry — Oh Grape bubblegum, where have you gone? A quick search through some of the big candy maker’s sites for grape, just plain old grape, comes up with zilch. Except for the gum like Dubble Bubble and Super Bubble that still have grape in their giant tubs, no one still makes grape bubble gum.
  • To the Plus Size Fashion Industry — Is it really wise to have plus size underware that comes with the phrase “make mine a double” written across the ass? Or are you counting on all the big girls to be jolly? However, I did buy the ones w/the pink poodles on them.
  • Another to the Advertising Industry — I have a news flash for you, Jennifer Anniston does NOT look 25. She looks great for 40, and looks better than some 25 year olds I know.  But we all knew Jennifer when she was 25 and she does not look the same. So, then why are you using her to target me for your miracle berry, riboflavon, anti-oxident, anti-aging, mom invented cream?

I’ll bring it like a Fed Ex truck, baby!

I do not understand some of the fashions for, what I like to call, substantial women.  Thus, it has inspired a small list of questions and/or observations as the case may be.

  • Do they think that plus size also means blind? hmmm? or is there a secret theory in the fashion industry that bigger gals need bigger prints? As if my ass didn’t look big enough, but you want to me wrap it in a giant paisley?!?
  • Empire waisted tops — OK, if you are bigger than a size 2, the whole empire waist is not a bit flattering. If I wear an empire waisted shirt, someone will ask when I am due and then there will be blood shed.
  • Horizontal stripes -hey, if I wanted to accentuate my wideness, I’d go on down to Omar’s Tent & Awning to buy my clothes.
  • Sequins and rhinestones – I admit I have been lured into buying a few tops because of their sparkle-ability, but there re a few things that should not sparkle.  Anything that comes in a size 28 SHOULD NOT SPARKLE unless you want planes landing on your ass.

Now, lets discuss the topic of department and/or store names for us gals.

  • Belk calls their plus size area “Today’s Woman”.  Were there not bigger gals 20 years ago? Funny, I remember seeing some pretty big asses on the old ladies in church when I was a kid. I know that the in the last 100 years the paradigm has shifted in this area. 100 years ago the rich were pale and fat, the poor were tan and skinny. Now, it is the opposite, but this name still bothers me.
  • Added Dimensions – ok, why didn’t you just call your store Big Asses?
  • Dress Barn Woman – I am totally opposed to shopping anywhere that has ‘BARN’ in the name unless its for garden supplies.

Are there any store names that need to be added to the list?

Evidently your parents slapped together version 1.0 of you and hoped no one would notice the bugs.

These are the questions that keep me up at night:

  • Does the ShamWow guy have only one eye? If not, is he winking at me? You’d think he could afford a glass one or something.
  • In what universe is Rachel Ray NOT irritating?
  • Does Darby Conley have a secret camera stashed in my house?
  • Why do people who wont speak to you at work want to be your friend on Facebook?
    Same thing for people who wouldn’t speak to you in high school….
  • Why does the black dog poop and then walk through it?
    I mean like, hey, you just did that. It’s not like its a week old or anything.
  • Has David Caruso ever looked at a CSI script and said, “No, that’s just too cliche.”?
  • Has Gary Sinise ever looked at a CSI script, rolled his eyes and said, “Oh god, even David wouldn’t say that.”?
  • Where in the world is Carmen San Diego?

What questions keep you awake at night?