Tag Archives: Astute Observations

I spend one Saturday a year feeding disoriented bees.

I recently had my annual visit to the girlie doctor.  As I was leaving, I passed a girl who appeared to be no more than 16 and was quite obviously pregnant. This made me sad, but not for the reasons you assume. First, she was probably older than she looked (I hope).  So, even if she was only 16 it does not make me sad that a 15/16 year old girl is having sex.  Hell, that is what our bodies are screaming for us to do at that age.  It made me sad because she either didn’t know she had options to protect herself from that situation or that she was told that abstinence was the only way and therefore just didn’t try.  The thought that she would do that on purpose is too frightening to even consider, so I wont.

I just don’t understand the abstinence only philosophy for teenagers. It is not realistic and it is dangerous.  Should15 year olds have sex?  No.  Do 15 year olds have sex?  Of course. They should be shown how to protect themselves and be prepared for the situation.

Making birth control available to teenagers does not equal a license to have sex.  Trust me on this one, I was lucky that my Mom realized this and prepped us.  Did she then allow our boyfriends to stay over?  HELL no, I had to sneak around like every other teenager and it is a LOT harder to do in a town as small as Oceana, WV than it would be in Johnson City, TN.

 

That is sooo Butt Unknown

I’ve been doing a lot of traveling recently.  I went from never having been on a plane to being on 10 planes in a month.  One thing puzzles me.  Why do airplane seats recline in the first place?  What kind of douche canoe rams his seat back into the face of their neighbor to the rear without so much as a ‘how do you do’? Now, my flights were relatively short.  The longest was close to 3 hours.  So, I’m not talking about one of those  8 hour inter continental monsters.  I’m talking about the flights so short you don’t even get a blanket.  What makes you so important that I have the whole 3 hours to judge the quality of your anti dandruff shampoo? Next time, don’t be surprised if you have a little lingering back pain from a well place knee.  Or perhaps the lingering cold from a well placed sneeze.  Just saying.

As I ponder, weak and weary

Another installment from the annals of the brain of Beth in the “why?” category.  Why are we embarrassed to talk about bodily functions?  I understand why you might not want to hear about them over a spaghetti dinner, but why are we embarrassed?  And why are we only embarrassed about certain functions and not others?  For example, no one has a problem saying they threw up, tossed the cookies, vomited, regurgitated or lost their lunch.  However, you’ll rarely hear someone say (frat boys and 10 year olds excluded, of course) that they shit themselves into next week. Why is it OK to talk about projectiles from one end of the digestive tract but not the other?  Neither of them is pleasant. Neither of them have the sweet smell of roses.  They both can be quite unpleasant and painful, yet only one of them is not talked about. Does it stem from the fact that one happens in the confines of the WC (hopefully) while the other you can do in public without any serious repercussions? Is that why when a girl throws up after an evening of festivities, a potential suitor might offer to hold her hair?  Bet he wouldn’t extend the same offer in the other scenario.

 

Things that make me go hmmmmmm.

 

It’s new and improved!

How can it be ‘new’ and improved?  If it is ‘improved’ it how can it be truly new?  Does not the word improved, by definition imply the prior existence of the object in question?

Anyhooo, I am making a huge job change and it is scary as hell. I’m leaving the relative comfort and safety of fifteen years tenure (that and $1, I could buy a bag of chips) for the land of clinical informatics. I am super excited about the work I’ll be doing.

Oooooh Gurl, you’ve got SHEMAIL

I love all things drag queen. If there is a movie with queens in it, I will rent it. If there is a TV show about queens competing (gasp!) I’ll watch it.  Now there is a show about queens making over real women. I WANT TO BE ON IT!

I first heard about RuPaul’s Drag Race from Henry Rollins.  Yes, that Henry Rollins. I saw him on a spoken word tour and he talked of his experience as a judge on the show. I’m not a big fan of reality shows. But I thought, if it has queens and Henry Rollins, how bad can it be?  Now, I am completely hooked.

The funny thing about Drag Race is that some of the queens I like better in the workroom (as men) than I do on the runway (as women).  Some of them I like better on the runway. Weird, huh?  For example, I love Willam Belli when he’s in drag.  His character is hilarious. She is alternately vapid and razor sharp.  Willam Belli the man comes across vain and mean.  I love Chad Michaels in drag.  Chad out of drag is boring.  But, the winner of Season 4, Sharon Needles is the opposite. I love Needles in the workroom. He’s funny and smart.  Needles on the runway is stupid. She even describes herself as stupid.  Beautiful, but stupid.  Stupid is not entertaining.  Stupid does not take any effort.  Of course, I love the grand dame of all queens RuPaul herself.

There is so much effort and art that goes into drag. I am mesmerized by their talent with makeup and design. Also, it is not lost on me the irony involved in queens teaching real women how to be women again. It sort of supports a sexist ideal. But, at the same time, I feel that it sort of reclaims some of the power of being feminine that so many of us lose. There is power in being fierce and serving up some curvy realness. There is power in the confidence it takes to stomp the runway in three inch platforms and a five pound wig.

They say you can drown in two inches of water. I am that two inches.

More in the category of “WTF?”

The “in loving memory of….” stickers on the back windows of cars.  Is this a southern thing?  A northeast Tennessee thing?  Every time I see that, it makes me thing they bought the car with the life insurance.  Well, unless the car was a total POS, then I wonder how I’d feel about a 1985 Buick Skylark in my loving memory.

Also, I don’t get the reasoning behind putting little memorials up on the roadside, presumably where someone actually expired.  I wonder how many accidents have been caused by people trying to read the teeny tiny print on them.  Hell, people at least make it big enough that I can see it in a drive by. I bet you some psychology grad student out there has done a paper on both of these phenomena.

Oh, and my biggest WTF moment recently goes out to the State of Virgina and their vaginal ultrasound law.  If the state of VA wants to see my vajayjay, they got to at least take me to the steak house first.

 

You know what else would be oddly comforting? A pillow shaped like a hammer.

Further musings from the I just don’t get it category…..

Little Ceasar’s Pizza

OK, first of all, is it a punishment to hold the $5 pizza sign?  I mean, is that like reserved for the one who is late that day or what? I understand you cannot give that job to a total slacker as it lacks direct supervision. But, it has to be a punishment, right?

Two of all, is there some market research behind the whole $5 pizza signage? I can promise you I’ve never been driving in evening traffic, saw the sign and thought “holy shit! $5 pizza!” I imagine, if you’re in the market for a $5 pizza you already know where to find Little Caesar’s.

Can someone enlighten me on this one?

I am not my Trappist Brother’s Trapper Keeper’s Keeper

I work for a ginormous financial company. Everyday I am forced to clamp down on  my inner 12 year old when someone uses a suggestive phrase. So, I present my list of  my favorite sexually suggestive phrases that I see/hear at work everyday:

  • Penetration Rate
  • Service the Customer
  • Cum Report (someone decided to abbreviate cumulative)
  • Top’s Down
  • Bottom’s Up

and my personal favorite

  • Percentage of Customers who self service

I will continue to add to the list as I hear new phrases!

What WOULD Jesus do?

**** Potentially offensive post warning******

I noticed the other day that Jesus  is a busy guy. He’s always doing something, particularly when someone is pissed or frustrated.

The Progressive Verb Jesus
Jesus F’ing Christ (my personal standby)
Jesus Roller-blading Christ

Jesus ‘ON’ Things
Jesus Christ on a bicycle
Christ on a Crutch
Jesus Christ on a Pogo Stick

Jesus <noun> Christ (aka Mob Jesus)
Jesus Fruit Cake Christ

Jesus & Company (aka Jesus Joins a Band)
Jesus Christ & the Disciples
Jesus, Mary and Joseph

Jesus, the Early Years
Sweet Baby Jesus
Sweet Baby J
Sweet 8lb, 6oz saviour

What is your favorite blasphemous phrase?


Barney may be big, but you don’t mess with a Muppet, man. You’ll be on your back faster than an Italian in a penalty box.

I really liked John McCain until now. His opposition to the ending of Don’t Ask Don’t Tell stinks of bigotry.  As one of the top brass testifying in the Senate pointed out, most combat Marines have never served with a woman either. That doesn’t mean we are not going to let women serve in the Marines. He also asked why this should be a referendum to the troops in the first place. Should we also poll them on how they feel about 18 month tours of Iraq? Of course not. Admiral  Mike Mullen said “There is no gray area here, we treat each other with respect or we find another place to work. Period.” He also said: “War does not stifle change, it demands it.” (npr.org).

I really wonder what the big fear here is? I really think once they repeal DADTL it will be business as usual in the armed forces in general. I highly doubt that those who serve that are in the gay/lesbian community will have a coming out party. These folks are not stupid. They know that there is still a great deal of prejudice to be dealt with. I greatly admire their desire to serve and devote their lives to service of the country even with the knowledge that if they are found out, they could be stripped of their job and all the benefits they have worked for. I never understood the concept of “well, we’ll let you serve and potentially die for us, but you’ve got to lie about who you are.”